Page 44 - 6688

44
of the relation: some qualities and judgments will be important in some relationships, while
other qualities and judgments will be important for others.
There are at least two variables of relationships: norms and roles. Norms and roles
apply to all kinds of dyadic relationships. No two people live totally untouched by the rules and
expectations of society. As their relationship evolves, they also develop a kind of society in
miniature, a two-person social system with some of its own rules and expectations, its own
rewards and punishments.

Norms
Norms are rules, whether implicit or explicit, about behavior. We have norms for every
aspect of human life: norms for visiting, grading exams, tipping, child rearing, eating, initiating a
conversation and bringing it to an end.
Norms exist on a number of social levels and are often transferred from one relationship
to another – with varying measure of success. Some are shared by most members of a given
culture, others are specific to families, ethnic groups, or regions of a country.
Occasionally, the norms in an intimate relationship are made unusually explicit, for
example, norms in a personal marriage contract. Such a contract may minimize power
struggles and conflicts. Normative agreements may be changed as the people who made them
change.
In general, certain dyads seem to establish more norms than others. Researchers reports
that the frequency with which norms are established is linked to the disruptive power each
person has over the other, that is the power one person has to keep the other from doing what
he or she wants to do. In some dyads, one person has much more disruptive power than the
other. When both have high disruptive power, they tend to establish a greater number of
normative agreements – because both know that overuse of their power can be self-defeating”.
Normative agreements often reduce the level and frequency of conflict.
Norms are ground guidelines that limit and direct behavior. They allow us to establish
standard operating procedures that make the behavior of others more predictable and
decrease the need for communicating about that behavior. According to Thibaut and Kelley,
effective norms "can reduce the costs of interaction and eliminate the less rewarding activities
from a relationship, … improve the outcome attained by members of a dyad and increase their
interdependence." A conformity agreement tends to become rewarding in and of itself.
Norms can best serve us if we know that they exist and can periodically evaluate their
appropriateness. However, not all normative agreements are rewarding. Some are
inappropriate for a given relationship. Rigid norms may restrict communication in an unhealthy
way.

Roles
Student-teacher, doctor-patient, player-coach, employee-supervisor, child-parent, lover-
lover, friend-friend, husband-wife, grandparent-grandchild – these are examples of the many
sets of roles possible within dyads. Roles relate to the norms. In any given culture, some norms
apply to all members and others apply to only some members. A role is simply a set of norms
that applies to a specific subclass within the society.

Expected versus Enacted Roles
There are numerous situations in which a person’s expected and enacted roles are quite
different. A parent is expected to minister to the needs of the child, to provide financial support,