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party, and assertive behavior, in which you stand up for your legitimate rights in a way that
does not violate the rights of the other party. In these terms, assertiveness is "a direct, honest,
and appropriate expression of one's feelings, opinions, and beliefs" Qakubowski-Spector,
1973, p. 2; italics added). Today assertiveness-training workshops and classes of every
description are readily available. Some are daylong workshops; some are groups that meet for
one hour each week for a ten- or twenty-session course. Although many programs are
designed with women in mind, there are some classes for men, too.

Some Principles of Assertiveness
To someone unaccustomed to being assertive, learning to become so can feel strange
and uncomfortable. There is a world of difference, however, between being assertive and
offensive. Berko et al. identify certain principles of "assertiveness that are of primary
importance:
1. You cannot change other people's behavior; you can only change your reaction to it.
2. People are not mind readers. If you don't ask for what you want—whether it be a
promotion, a loan, or greater freedom and more privacy—others will not know.
3. Remember that habit is no reason for doing anything.
4. You can not make others happy. Others have responsibility for their own feelings; you can
not make anyone feel anything.
5. In any relationship you will incur some disapproval So accept it.
6. 'Don't be victimized.
7. Worrying about something will not change it.
8. Adopt the attitude that you will do the best you can—and if someone doesn't like it, that's
their problem, not yours.
9. Remember that assertion does not mean aggression.
10. When you decide to be assertive, be aware of the consequences—for example, don't tell
the boss you'll quit if you don't get a raise, unless you are ready to quit if the answer is "no."

Techniques of Assertiveness Training
Counselors use a wide range of techniques, some self-styled, some very closely
following the techniques of behavior modification or behavior therapy. The aims are to
extinguish unassertive behaviors and patterns of response and to develop and reinforce more
assertive ones, often by teaching new communication skills that involve persuasion and
confrontation. Assertiveness training is also concerned with correcting nonverbal behaviors that
undercut what we think of as assertive statements. For example, a person who is being
interviewed for a job might be speaking about her qualifications but avoiding eye contact with
the interviewer or speaking in a voice that is almost inaudible.
Some counselors advise clients to tape-record conversations with people with whom they
are likely to have assertiveness problems and then analyze their own responses. Often, clients
are asked to participate in exercises with others that involve confrontation. Some confrontation
exercises take place within the class or workshop. Others are to be enacted at home or in other
settings outside the group meeting.
Among the most popular techniques for teaching assertiveness skills is behavioral
rehearsal. Together counselor and participant choose some situation in which the latter has
had difficulties in being assertive. In the next discussion the participant reacts to how she has
seen the counselor handle the situation; she is encouraged to use the more appropriate
assertive response and to select some modeled behaviors that she herself would like to repeat